This new job has been okay. I have got what i have wanted, but then i am still looking for that thing. The thing that would make me happy, satisfied and independent and of course money. Some things over a period of time have got clearer. Some old plans with friends have been shelved as we realised that we had our own ways to go. This was after a year of planning, plotting and risk analysis, market reserach over variuos of our plans and day dreaming and fantasising.
I have been lately reading Richard Branson's "losing my virginity" and have been totally bowled over and inspired by. I could identify with lot of what he had written about his early years. One major thing stood out though. Except for my first venture that failed, he went ahead with most of his plans and i have pretty much been planning. Like in Branson's own words, 'screw it, lets do it.', that is what i have been missing.
This set me into thinking as to what was the reason. I was definitely not a loser. I had a failed venture, but i had the balls to think of starting another one. These are not rare balls and loads of others have done it, but it still takes a bit of guts and loads of lunacy to do this. But then i had been scared. This was the outcome of my inspection.
Fear. This is was the single most emotion that ruled me today. All my other emotions followed this. Insecurities, jealousy, anger and a whole load of others. My whole life as of now operated on this. Whether it was in office, there was fear of being thrown out, losing my job and no money or fear of failing or fear of losing and a whole deal of other nameless fears. This is what had held me from doing great many things that i had planned.
What also surprised me was the fact that I was not so fearless when i was a kid. Late until college i did not exactly care even of they threatened to throw me out of the college. That was a bit extreme, but the real striking factor was the absence of fear. where then in this last 2-3 years of work had this Fear taken over.
One i could think of was the society. The society that was around me that included my immediate family, friends and the larger others, expected you to be in a certain way, which included a lot of materialistic things too and my life had become a constant struggle to get to that and may be possibly do better than them. This did not exactly make me happy, but i thought this was necessary. Now these people and the society was not bad, but they just believed in the fact that what was good for them was good for me, and if i did not get them or go in the specified path, i am wrong.
Also the second most striking thing was my lack of faith. Faith in anything you call. . god, a unknown power, mystery. When i was young, i believed. I believed there were things i did not understand and i just had to believe. But as i grew older, i had my own thinking and judgement and way of looking at things. Now these things are perfectly ok. but my trouble started when "I" started becoming constant. I had started to believe that I could change things and i had to make them happen and there was no room for belief. This brought in lot of fear of failing.
